Shindig

I’m still Poly (Or why I closed DirtyPolyMistress)

I’ve been struggling with trying to figure out how to explain this for months, without airing dirty laundry that doesn’t need to be aired. I think I’m finally able to do so. So for those of you who followed my other blog and are wondering why I closed it…here’s why.

I had a vision. It was born of a comment Sam made a little less than a year ago, about the four of us living together, him and Holly, her boyfriend, and me. And how we’d be a family unit…maybe even help raise their kids. And for the first time since childhood, I found myself looking forward to having a family of my own. Not just one compiled of friends, or the biological one, but a family of partners and children. It wasn’t something I’d ever realized I might want…and suddenly I yearned for it.

DirtyPolyMistress was born out of that vision. It was born of the idea that one day Sam, Holly, and I would have a family, either as a triad or a V, or a whatever…we would have a family, together. I didn’t make it to talk about being poly, though there was certainly that. I made it to talk about being poly with them.

And I deleted it because that isn’t going to happen. Because two of us were trying to force a third to be something she wasn’t. Because Sam and I wanted our visions so badly that we tried to force it on Holly. And for awhile, she went along with the ride. But I see now that it was wrong, and it was always going to be wrong.

Sam and Holly are no longer together. Holly moved out two months ago, and they recently signed divorce papers. Polyamory was not the only cause, but it’s the only one worth discussing here.

It’s been very difficult for all parties. Even for the roomie we picked up about a week after I moved in. Even though it’s for the best, it’s not easy. Holly and Sam had been together since high school. They had met online, and about a year after Sam graduated high school he packed up a bag with some clothes and a couple of his favorite knives and flew out to her state to live with her. They’d been married for four years, now in their late 20’s. No. It’s been difficult for everyone, but it’s been the most difficult on them.

Guys…not all of my followers are poly. And I wouldn’t dream of trying to change that, of trying to twist you to my point of view. It’s just not practical. I am poly because it is right for me. I am poly because, in my life, it is the only thing that makes sense.

But I tried to force it on someone else. And I can only imagine the effect that had on her. We can’t force other people to be something they aren’t. We can’t force people to be poly, just by sheer strength of love. Holly tried it, and for awhile, it seemed to everyone that it might work. But it didn’t. It couldn’t. Because we were trying to force something on her that just wasn’t who she was. Not everyone is poly. Not everyone is willing to share, or be shared. 

 But what happens when a poly person marries a mono person and “Mono-poly” doesn’t work out? 

Polyamory wasn’t really a thing that could come into the relationship before hand. There had been no name put to it, nothing to show that it was, in fact, socially acceptable. Not until Sam had met me and I had explained that yeah, polyamory is a thing. A beautiful thing. I think it would’ve happened, had I been there to tell him about it or not. Eventually he would’ve reached a point where he realized that denying himself this aspect of his life was hurting him. The point is, he was poly, whether he had a name to put to it or not. It just wasn’t a thing that could have come up before the wedding, it wasn’t a thing that dating books made sure to mention. So he got married. Then he came out of the polyamory walk-in closet. Then his wife realized it didn’t work for her.

Steps were taken that made sense in the situation Sam and Holly were in…but I can hope that wouldn’t have to be the case for everyone. 

I’m still poly. I’m still exploring my poly identity, and I still would like to post about it here. I don’t know that I have an answer to the question above. Or that I ever will. But I’m still young. I’m still poly. And I’m still queer. So I’m going to keep learning, and meeting new people, and sharing my experiences. I’m going to try to start posting more personal things again, rather than just reblogs, because that’s what a blog is about. It’s about writing and inventing, not just regurgitating. 

And to those of you who followed me over from my poly blog, I want to thank you for taking the time to come over. I’m still and always open to any questions or comments, not just about being poly, but about anything! Being queer, my trans* identity, my paganism, or my thoughts on bananas! 

To my mono-followers, thanks for not judging me.

To my straight followers, thanks for accepting me.

To my cis followers, thanks for supporting me.

To my non-pagan followers, thanks for always laughing when I regurgitate the same joke about babies and cauldrons on sale.

To my banana-loving followers, thanks for not sticking your gross bananas under my nose.

And to my poly, queer, trans*, pagan, and fellow banana-hating followers, thanks for understanding. 

I want to be unafraid to post pictures of myself.

I want my face to be associated with my tumblr, without fear of future employers seeing it and labeling me as a deviant not worth hiring.

Because of my beliefs. Because of my home life. Because of the way my gender sits outside of the box. 

When I was looking for my first job, my biggest fear was someone discovering my slightly deviating sexuality. Now I am someone outside of the box. I’m still a white middle-class citizen, I shouldn’t be so afraid…

But sometimes I worry that someone will see that I am a witch or a polyamorist or that I some time pack a cock, and will not hire me/fire me/worse.

I live in a more liberal area now, but I’m still afraid…

LINK: “5 Worst Things About Open Relationships”

poly-problems:

The 5 Worst Things About Open Relationships

From the Huffington Post:

1. Needing a Teleporter - It’s always somebody’s birthday at the same time as someone else’s violin recital…

2. Spillover- When things are good in my life, they tend to be good all over. And similarly, when they’re bad they are horrid, as the saying goes. Relationship stress tends to ripple out and affect other relationships…

3. Surprise! Big Feelings- Jealousy is the one that gets the most attention, but surprise feelings can take all kinds of shapes: anger, fear, sadness, envy, inadequacy. Being in an open relationship means confronting the limits of your relationships…

4. Scheduling- Ask any poly person what they love least about their lifestyle and you’ll hear a rousing chorus of “scheduling!” Trying to keep the logistics of several people’s social lives straight is a nightmare, even when everyone is happily getting their needs met.

5. Loss- Daring to love means opening yourself up to the possibility of loss. Lives and relationships change, people grow apart or move away or evolve into needing different things… 

Bonus Point: Social Stigma - Being poly means being on the fringes of the relationship landscape. Even if you have a job where it’s safe to be out about your personal relationships and friends and family who warmly accept your choices, it’s still hard. Your relationships aren’t reflected in popular culture, social assumptions are all built around monogamy and even in the best-case scenario, where everyone you love fully accepts your choices, you still have to explain yourself and push back against the assumption of monogamy as a default state.

What can we say? Polyamory requires lots of (emotional, psychological, temporal) work! Someone should make a t-shirt: “Not monogamous, just lazy.” (KIDDING!)

(via treesong)

By the time you read this post I’ll have moved/be moving all my shit from the truck to Holly and Sam’s little apartment. I’ll be exhausted and sick of my father after dealing with him non-stop stuck in the truck with him. I’ll be missing tumblr desperately. And I’ll have had no internet access. And I’ll probably be avoiding thoughts from all three of us that will likely out me to my parents. 

But I’ll be there. Where I belong. With my loves. Starting my new life in time for the New Year.

Gods I’m so nervous…

“I just wish you were as into polyamory as I am”: On Being a Good Poly Person

wittingpolyamory:

neveraccidental:

My (least) favorite neurotic thought: I’m not “good” at polyamory. Because I get jealous. Because I like having a primary partner with whom I establish the majority of my intimacy. Because I want to get married, build a house, have kids, engage in other trappings of our heterosexist society. I know in my logical mind that this thought doesn’t actually make much sense. In talking to other poly folks, though, it seems to be a pervasive concern.

There exists a misconception that to be a Good Poly Person you need to be down with whatever whenever. I am not that Good Poly Person, but neither are many of my friends with successful poly relationships. I like negotiation. I like boundaries. There are things that I am not okay with a partner doing, and I expect that there are things that a partner will not be okay with me doing. I had a lover though who, when I would remind him of my boundaries (typically after they had been violated) would launch into his speech about how I wasn’t a Good Poly Person:

I see that you’re upset. You seem angry, but we entered into this relationship as a polyamorous partnership. I want to pursue these relationships with people. I need the freedom to pursue these relationships, and I want to help you feel better about it, but that’s not my responsibility. I just wish you were as into polyamory as I am.

How could I explain that I was just as into polyamory. I love being poly. I love pursuing unique relationships with others, and I loved watching him learn about himself and others in his outside relationships. What I hated was him coming home two hours later than he said he would. What I hated was being told that he wasn’t going to sleep with someone, and then finding out two weeks later that he had. What I hated was being abandoned the day after I had been discharged from the hospital so that he could go hang out with a fuck buddy. That had nothing to do with not being into polyamory. It had to with not being into disrespect.

Another misconception is that being a Good Poly Person means that you want to have lots and lots of sex all the time.

Random (Usually Older) Person: Wanna fuck?

Me: No.

R(UO)P: Aren’t you poly?

Heard that one before? I can’t imagine I’m the only one. My relationship orientation has no bearing on whether or not I find you attractive. My relationship orientation has no bearing on how sexually active I may be at any given time. It’s actually a very similar argument to one you see a lot in rape crisis.

She couldn’t have been raped. She sleeps around a lot.

Comes from the attitude

She can’t reject me. She sleeps around a lot.

Leads to the attitude

She sleeps around a lot. She must want to sleep with me.

So after all this, what would it mean to be good at polyamory?  I think all it means is being a good communicator and a respectful person. Of course that also describes the skillset necessary to be good at monogamy. Could it be that Good Poly People are not that different from Good People?

My takeaway quotes from this are:

“That had nothing to do with not being into polyamory. It had to with not being into disrespect.”

and

“Could it be that Good Poly People are not that different from Good People?”

Everyone approaches polyamory differently, and there is no one way to be polyamorous.

Obligatory Day of Thanks post

I am grateful that this year I was able to wear flipflops as I ran down to Vallarta to grab some rosemary that I forgot to get for my Irish turnip dish, for this day of pigging out. 

I am also grateful that I’ve got 32k written of my NaNo.

I am grateful I have gone two full years without totaling another car.

I am grateful that the Hobbit Movie  finally comes out this December!

I am grateful for pictures of Corgis (Guuuuys I really really really waaaant oooooone!)

I am grateful that I don’t have to come out to my parents if I don’t want to.

I am grateful that I am not persecuted for being a queer, witchy, man/woman, with two lovers and a worshiper of gods and not God. And by persecuted I mean at least I’m not tied to a stake and burned, or stoned, or thrown into prison, because in the face of those things I can deal with the looks and the ridicule, and the potential of my parents completely disowning me; because with the looks and the ridicule and even with having to keep my choices quiet at work because I might lose my job, at least I have two amazing people who love.

And I’m grateful for Sam and Holly, who care about me, care for me, love me, and who are willing to shelter me when I move, not just until I find a job, but as long as they’ll have me and I’ll have them, may it be forever.

P.S. I’m grateful for my awesome sister who is hosting Thanksgiving, my one family tradition, and I’m grateful that she’s turning it away from this same old pilgrim worship we do every year, and making it what it is: a harvest festival and a period of thanks.