I’ve been struggling with trying to figure out how to explain this for months, without airing dirty laundry that doesn’t need to be aired. I think I’m finally able to do so. So for those of you who followed my other blog and are wondering why I closed it…here’s why.
I had a vision. It was born of a comment Sam made a little less than a year ago, about the four of us living together, him and Holly, her boyfriend, and me. And how we’d be a family unit…maybe even help raise their kids. And for the first time since childhood, I found myself looking forward to having a family of my own. Not just one compiled of friends, or the biological one, but a family of partners and children. It wasn’t something I’d ever realized I might want…and suddenly I yearned for it.
DirtyPolyMistress was born out of that vision. It was born of the idea that one day Sam, Holly, and I would have a family, either as a triad or a V, or a whatever…we would have a family, together. I didn’t make it to talk about being poly, though there was certainly that. I made it to talk about being poly with them.
And I deleted it because that isn’t going to happen. Because two of us were trying to force a third to be something she wasn’t. Because Sam and I wanted our visions so badly that we tried to force it on Holly. And for awhile, she went along with the ride. But I see now that it was wrong, and it was always going to be wrong.
Sam and Holly are no longer together. Holly moved out two months ago, and they recently signed divorce papers. Polyamory was not the only cause, but it’s the only one worth discussing here.
It’s been very difficult for all parties. Even for the roomie we picked up about a week after I moved in. Even though it’s for the best, it’s not easy. Holly and Sam had been together since high school. They had met online, and about a year after Sam graduated high school he packed up a bag with some clothes and a couple of his favorite knives and flew out to her state to live with her. They’d been married for four years, now in their late 20’s. No. It’s been difficult for everyone, but it’s been the most difficult on them.
Guys…not all of my followers are poly. And I wouldn’t dream of trying to change that, of trying to twist you to my point of view. It’s just not practical. I am poly because it is right for me. I am poly because, in my life, it is the only thing that makes sense.
But I tried to force it on someone else. And I can only imagine the effect that had on her. We can’t force other people to be something they aren’t. We can’t force people to be poly, just by sheer strength of love. Holly tried it, and for awhile, it seemed to everyone that it might work. But it didn’t. It couldn’t. Because we were trying to force something on her that just wasn’t who she was. Not everyone is poly. Not everyone is willing to share, or be shared.
But what happens when a poly person marries a mono person and “Mono-poly” doesn’t work out?
Polyamory wasn’t really a thing that could come into the relationship before hand. There had been no name put to it, nothing to show that it was, in fact, socially acceptable. Not until Sam had met me and I had explained that yeah, polyamory is a thing. A beautiful thing. I think it would’ve happened, had I been there to tell him about it or not. Eventually he would’ve reached a point where he realized that denying himself this aspect of his life was hurting him. The point is, he was poly, whether he had a name to put to it or not. It just wasn’t a thing that could have come up before the wedding, it wasn’t a thing that dating books made sure to mention. So he got married. Then he came out of the polyamory walk-in closet. Then his wife realized it didn’t work for her.
Steps were taken that made sense in the situation Sam and Holly were in…but I can hope that wouldn’t have to be the case for everyone.
I’m still poly. I’m still exploring my poly identity, and I still would like to post about it here. I don’t know that I have an answer to the question above. Or that I ever will. But I’m still young. I’m still poly. And I’m still queer. So I’m going to keep learning, and meeting new people, and sharing my experiences. I’m going to try to start posting more personal things again, rather than just reblogs, because that’s what a blog is about. It’s about writing and inventing, not just regurgitating.
And to those of you who followed me over from my poly blog, I want to thank you for taking the time to come over. I’m still and always open to any questions or comments, not just about being poly, but about anything! Being queer, my trans* identity, my paganism, or my thoughts on bananas!
To my mono-followers, thanks for not judging me.
To my straight followers, thanks for accepting me.
To my cis followers, thanks for supporting me.
To my non-pagan followers, thanks for always laughing when I regurgitate the same joke about babies and cauldrons on sale.
To my banana-loving followers, thanks for not sticking your gross bananas under my nose.
And to my poly, queer, trans*, pagan, and fellow banana-hating followers, thanks for understanding.